Biggest Brawn in Town
by Invader Snik
Summary: After hearing about a new girl in town called Moon, Buford is having a little trouble accepting that he might have met his match in the bullying category. But it's not quite as he thinks... (one-shot)


It was a nice sunny Thursday - the best day to be building a pair of solar-powered hang-gliding panda robots, the boys had decided. Actually, it had been Isabella's idea, but it had seemed like it might be fun. Ferb seemed to agree with it, and so Phineas had drawn up the blueprints so that they could get started. They were currently in the middle of building the pandas; the specially adapted hang-gliders would come later.

"Hey, Dinner Bell!" came Buford's rough voice from the gate. He pushed it open with one hand, using the other to tug on a leash that ran past the fence. Baljeet was attached to the other end and, although he didn't seem particularly happy about it, he knew there was nothing he could do and so he just followed Buford.

"Hi, Buford. Hi, Baljeet," Phineas grinned, "How've you guys been doing?"

"Well, I-" Baljeet started, but a harsh tug on his leash from Buford make him squeak and then fall into silence.

"What've you been doing, Dinner Bell?" Buford asked, seemingly a little angry, "Word around town says you've been fighting monsters and stuff. Are you trying to be tougher'n me or something?"

"What? No, not at all," Phineas shook his head, setting his tools down and hopping off the half-finished panda's haunches. "I didn't have anything to do with it, really. Moon was the one that did most of the fighting."

"What?" Buford exclaimed, "Moon who?"

Phineas smiled. "She's a new friend. She's the one that fights monsters, not me."

"How come I ain't heard of her before?" Buford crossed his arms, glancing briefly back at Baljeet to see him flinch at the word _ain't_. Turning back to Phineas he added, "Who does she think she is, anyway? Girls aren't supposed to fight monsters."

"Maybe you should ask her," Phineas shrugged, "She lives up on the end of Aspen Street. You know, that one old house on the hill-"

"Yeah, I know where it is," Buford snapped, "Come on, Baljeet, let's go."

"Um, Buford-" Baljeet started, but a tug on his leash made him forget his thought and follow Buford out of the yard.

Buford stomped up the long driveway of the place, pausing a moment at the front gate, but then continued up to the heavy front door and pounded on it a few times with his fist. At the silence that followed, he frowned and then pounded again.

The door opened with hardly a sound, and on the other side stood a tall lean girl in a wild ponytail. She wore a black tank-top, torn at the midriff, and faded gray cargo jeans with huge side pockets. There was what Buford assumed to be a sword or something slung on her belt, although it wasn't a very big one, and around her neck was a little black choker with a dark pendant off to one side. Her eyes were a flat green, and she leaned one shoulder against the doorway, her arms crossed. What was more, she was easily twice as tall as he was, and he supposed that was what made him a little uneasy.

But she was a girl, and girls weren't mean, and they didn't fight, and they couldn't scare him.

Well, except for Suzy Johnson, but that was another thing entirely.

This was just some weird chick with a pathetically tiny sword.

"Hey," Buford demanded, "I heard you're the one that's been fighting monsters and stuff."

The girl looked down at a moment, her face blank, and then cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah. So what? D'you have a monster problem?"

"Do I look like I have a monster problem?" Buford glared. He could tell that this girl was going to be a little harder to bully than most other people were. Still, he had a reputation, and he wasn't going to let that slip just because of this. "Do you think you're tougher'n me or something?"

The girl only rolled her eyes. "Make it quick. What do you want?"

"I wanna know who you think you are. I'm the toughest bully in town so you'd better think real hard 'fore you wanna challenge that," Buford did his best intimidating look, but it was clear that this girl wasn't going to be pushed around so easily.

She just huffed. "Don't care. Go away."

"But-" Buford started.

The girl didn't give him time to say much else before shutting the door and disappearing back inside. There was only silence after that.

Buford only stood, stunned. No one had ever dared stand up to him like this before, and he didn't like it one bit. Who did she think she was, anyway? Girls couldn't be bullies. They didn't have enough attitude. But, he realized dimly, this one did. She'd make a good bully.

Maybe a better one than him.

He didn't think he could handle that. He had to outdo her, to chase her away, to make her realize that this was _his_ turf. He was the biggest baddest bully in town. He couldn't let a _girl_ top that. He'd never get over it. Finally he just found a place to sit, an old half-rotten log about halfway down the rough dirt driveway, well out of sight of the house. He sat, and then Baljeet sat next to him. He sat for a minute, silent, and then tied the end of Baljeet's leash around a branch from a nearby tree and headed back up the driveway.

"Um, Buford, what are you doing?" Baljeet asked.

"I'm gonna go give that know-it-all a piece of my mind," Buford replied. "And if that doesn't work I'll give her a piece of my fist."

Before Baljeet could protest, Buford turned and disappeared back up the driveway toward the house. He was certain that Buford would get his butt handed to him on a silver platter, but he was just glad that it wasn't his own. For all the things that Buford had done to him, he thought it fair that he would get to watch, but it was probably just as well. As soon as he told anyone about it, he'd get smacked.

That was usually how it went when Buford was around.

* * *

Buford banged hard on the front door, same as he had the first time. He couldn't believe he'd thought that a _girl_ could be a bully. He was tougher than bricks; he could definitely handle a girl. It's just that - that he hadn't expected her to be so tall. Yeah, that's all it was.

The door opened and there she stood again, still with her slightly off-kilter lean and her flat green eyes. "You again," she said, "Make it important."

"Don't you try any of that on me!" Buford exclaimed, "I know exactly what you're doing and it's not going to work! You think you're a better bully than me, don't you? Well guess what. I'm the biggest baddest toughest bully in town, and if you think you can top that you'll hafta get through me first!"

The girl only stared at him, her eyes blank. After a minute she yawned. "That's nice."

"Is that a challenge?" Buford demanded, jumping up and grabbing the edge of her tank top, pulling her down so that she was eye-level with him. "You wanna have a beef with me?"

The girl gave him a swift kick in a very sensitive place and brushed him off her, nudging him back out the door with one foot. "You ever touch me again and I'll rip your lungs out and leave your remains in the woods. That's your only warning."

Buford could do little but curl up in a huddled ball of pain as she slammed the door on him.

* * *

By the time he and Baljeet returned to Phineas' backyard, the hang-gliding pandas had mysteriously disappeared. Candace was in the middle of her usual "it was here a minute ago" spiel, but it quickly dissolved into self-pity and she disappeared inside.

"Oh, hi, Buford," Phineas greeted, "We were about to head inside for some snacks. Would you like to join us?"

"Nah," Buford shook his head.

Phineas frowned. "Buford, you've never turned down food before. Is something wrong?"

"What? No," Buford replied, hoping he didn't sound as if he was hiding anything.

"Come on, you can tell us," Phineas encouraged him, "We might be able to help."

Buford sighed. "I hate your friend," he said, "Do me a favor and never talk to her again."

"What happened?" Phineas asked.

Buford faltered. "Nothing."

"I think he is intimidated by your friend," Baljeet put in before Buford could stop him.

"Shut up, Baljeet! What do you know, anyway?" Buford demanded crossly, quickly smacking Baljeet upside the head and making him yelp.

Phineas cocked an eyebrow. "You mean Moon is a threat to you? She's not that scary. She saved me from a monster, you know - twice, actually."

"Exactly!" Buford exclaimed, "I can't deal with that! How come she thinks she's tougher'n me? Who does she think she is, anyway?"

"Well, she _has_ been on her own for a long time," Ferb put in.

Phineas nodded. "She's a hunter. I don't think she's trying to challenge you."

"Yeah but she gets to fight monsters and stuff!" Buford cried, "Where's my monsters, huh? I wanna get in on the action too, y'know!"

"We can make you some robots," Phineas offered with a shrug.

Buford scowled. "I want monsters. If I'm gonna live up to my reputation as toughest bully in Danville, I hafta top whatever she does. If she fights a monster to show off, I wanna fight a bigger one."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Phineas asked, "Have you ever fought anything bigger than you before?"

"Does the giant squid count?"

Phineas turned to Ferb. "I don't suppose you know where we can get our hands on any monsters for Buford, do you?"

Ferb shook his head.

"I guess robot monsters will have to do, then. That's okay with you, isn't it?"

"Well," Buford paused. He had to choose carefully, since his entire reputation as toughest-guy was at stake. Finally he nodded. "As long as they're real tough."

"Ferb, what time d'you have? Think we can whip up a monster for Buford?"

Ferb nodded.

"I guess we'll be making a monster for you, then," Phineas grinned, "Come on, Ferb, let's get started."

* * *

Less than ten minutes later the robot was done. The backyard had been set up like a gladiator's arena, with the robot chained up in one corner so it wouldn't storm the place. Phineas had an emergency shut-off switch, although he was hoping Buford would be able to handle it on his own. He thought this whole thing was a little silly, but he wasn't about to mention that to Buford since he didn't think he would take it well. Buford wasn't that kind of kid.

He'd insisted that Moon be there too, so that she could see how superior of a bully he was. He'd sent Phineas out to her house to convince her to come over, since he had a feeling that if he'd have gone over there she might have kicked him again. He didn't need that kind of attitude from anybody. He'd show her. He'd show her how tough he was, and she'd skip town. He'd make sure of that. There could only be one toughest bully in town, and it had to be him.

He stood outside of the arena, watching the countless spectators file into the rows of bleachers that Phineas and Ferb had built. He could see them directing people, and after a few minutes Phineas jumped down and gave Buford a grin. "Looks like we've got a full house. Come on," he led him in through a side door and a narrow tunnel that was a shortcut straight to the arena. The robot was still chained up in the corner, inactive, but Buford knew it would be easy to bully it into submission. He'd prove that he was tougher than that Moon and that he was still the baddest bully in town. The boys had told him that to be fair they'd have Moon fight a robot too, but Buford wasn't worried about that. She couldn't possibly do as well as him. He'd made sure that the judges were all qualified bullies as well, so he didn't have anything to worry about.

Right?

There was applause from the bleachers, and he took that as his cue to beat the monster up. Strutting out into the arena he could see that the robotic monster had been powered up and was tugging against its chains for all it was worth. It was huge, easily three times Moon's height, but that didn't scare him. He knew what he had to do.

Cracking his knuckles he approached the robot, catching its attention and making it stare down at him for a moment. He stood without any movement, his eyes locked on the monster in a brutish death-stare. He knew he could stare it down; the only question was how long it would take to do it.

The robot stared back at him, but then laughed. It was a harsh metallic sound, and from where Moon sat in the bleachers it made her wince. She could see its complete indifference toward Buford, how it disregarded his attitude. In short, she was bored.

Buford glared. "Hey!" he snapped, his voice rough, "Hey, you wanna piece of me?"

The robot stopped. Turning again to him it stared down for a moment, silent.

"Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you!" Buford crossed his arms, holding the robot monster's stare and narrowing his eyes. "Now what're you gonna do about it?"

The robot only stared, both of them locked in a deadly contest of will. Everything was silent. The audience held its breath, its concentration on Buford and the robot.

Minutes passed.

Finally the robot relented, backing way from Buford with a whine that melted into the cheers of the crowd. The judges turned to each other and began discussing the event, and Buford took in all the attention that he was getting. He knew Moon couldn't possibly top that.

The judges gave him a nine.

He was happy with that. He was certain it was because one of them hadn't given him a ten and they didn't know how to deal with fractions. He didn't, either, but that was okay. Nine was good.

Then it was Moon's turn. Since Buford's robot was undamaged, it was allowed to be used as Moon's opponent as well. It was powered down briefly, since it needed to be reset after Buford's performance, and the boys scrambled up the edge of the bleachers to where Moon sat.

"It's your turn, Moon," Phineas informed her with a grin, "Come on."

Moon yawned. "I'd rather be sleeping."

"Come on, please?" Phineas pleaded, "I told you earlier I'd get you a double cheeseburger if you did this."

"Well, fine," Moon sighed, stretching briefly. She followed the boys back down to the edge of the arena, and then turned back to them. "What am I doing to this thing, exactly?"

"Just subdue it," said Phineas, "You saw Buford, right? Something like that. Don't worry. You'll do fine," and before Moon could protest he and Ferb disappeared back up into the crowd.

Moon yawned again. She had to admit she'd fallen asleep during Buford's whatever-it-was, since she hadn't been paying attention anyway and it had gone quiet. But Phineas had said to subdue the robot. No big deal.

Buford had gone back into the crowd to watch Moon, and he could see that she seemed to be a bit tired. He knew he'd already won even before she approached the robot. He could just tell. He watched as she stared up at it, her eyes dull and blank.

She yawned.

The robot ignored her, since she hadn't called attention to herself, which made it easy for her to climb up the side of one of its legs and up onto the back of its haunch. She glanced up and down its back for a moment until she found a big red switch hidden behind one of its shoulders. She walked up to it without a word, flicked it with her foot, and jumped down as the robot shut off and toppled to the ground behind her.

There. Problem solved. Moon yawned, ambling back to the edge of the bleachers to find a spot where she could get back to sleep. After a moment she spotted the boys cutting through the murmuring crowd, and as they came to a stop at her feet she cocked an eyebrow.

"What was that?" Phineas asked her, "Didn't you see what Buford was doing?"

Moon shrugged. "You said subdue. So I did."

"Well," Phineas paused a moment, thinking, but then just shrugged. "I guess that does count. C'mon, Ferb, let's go tell Buford."

"See you guys later," Moon called after them as they went, "I'm going to go and get some more sleep."

The boys returned to where Buford was sitting in the bleachers over the stadium. "She says that's it," Phineas told him with a shrug.

"What?" Buford exclaimed, "No way! That wasn't even cool or anything!"

"I guess you win, then," Phineas resolved.

Buford grinned. "Really? Awesome!" As the arena emptied out, he found Baljeet still leashed to the corner of the fence. Picking up the end of it he turned and opened the backyard gate to go home.

Out of nowhere the hang-gliding pandas from earlier returned, picked up the entire arena, and then flew off.

Buford hardly gave it a second thought. That kind of stuff happened all the time. All he cared about was that his reputation as toughest bully in Danville had remained intact. That sissy girl Moon didn't scare him in the least.

He was happy with that.

**Coming soon: **_**Automaton**_


End file.
